Creepy Sea Monster

EXT. A SUPERMARKET - AFTERNOON

Understanding hairdresser DI LAUREN WU is arguing with courageous computer programmer MS MOLLY OLSSON. LAUREN tries to hug MOLLY but she shakes her off.

LAUREN
Please Molly, don't leave me.
MOLLY
I'm sorry Lauren, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
LAUREN
I am such a person!
MOLLY frowns.

MOLLY
I'm sorry, Lauren. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
MOLLY leaves.

LAUREN sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, brave police officer DCI ANDREW WALKER barges in looking flustered.

LAUREN
Goodness, Andrew! Is everything okay?
ANDREW
I'm afraid not.
LAUREN
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
ANDREW
It's ... a sea monster ... I saw an evil sea monster frighten a bunch of baby birds!
LAUREN
Defenseless baby birds?
ANDREW
Yes, defenseless baby birds!
LAUREN
Bloomin' heck, Andrew! We've got to do something.
ANDREW
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
LAUREN
You can start by telling me where this happened.
ANDREW
I was...
ANDREW fans himself and begins to wheeze.

LAUREN
Focus Andrew, focus! Where did it happen?
ANDREW
Chippewa Square, Savannah! That's right - Chippewa Square, Savannah!
LAUREN springs up and begins to run.

 

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

LAUREN rushes along the street, followed by ANDREW. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

 

EXT. CHIPPEWA SQUARE, SAVANNAH - SHORTLY AFTER

JEFF WALKER a creepy sea monster terrorises two baby birds.

LAUREN, closely followed by ANDREW, rushes towards JEFF, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

ANDREW
What is is? What's the matter?
LAUREN
That's not just any old sea monster, that's Jeff Walker!
ANDREW
Who's Jeff Walker?
LAUREN
Who's Jeff Walker? Who's Jeff Walker? Only the most creepy sea monster in the universe!
ANDREW
Blinkin' knickers, Lauren! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most creepy sea monster in the universe!
LAUREN
You can say that again.
ANDREW
Blinkin' knickers, Lauren! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most creepy sea monster in the universe!
LAUREN
I'm going to need paperweights, lots of paperweights.
Jeff turns and sees Lauren and Andrew. He grins an evil grin.

JEFF
Lauren Wu, we meet again.
ANDREW
You've met?
LAUREN
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
 

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young LAUREN is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees JEFF. She takes off her headphones.

JEFF
Would you like some chocolate?
LAUREN's eyes light up, but then he studies JEFF more closely, and looks uneasy.

LAUREN
I don't know, you look kind of creepy.
JEFF
Me? No. I'm not creepy. I'm the least creepy sea monster in the world.
LAUREN
Wait, you're a sea monster?
LAUREN runs away, screaming.

 

EXT. CHIPPEWA SQUARE, SAVANNAH - PRESENT DAY

JEFF
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
ANDREW
(To LAUREN) You ran away?
LAUREN
(To ANDREW) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
LAUREN turns to JEFF.

LAUREN
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
LAUREN runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

LAUREN
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with paperweights.
JEFF
I'm not scared of you.
LAUREN
You should be.
 

INT. HATFIELD HOUSE, ENGLAND - LATER THAT DAY

LAUREN and ANDREW walk around searching for something.

LAUREN
I feel sure I left my paperweights somewhere around here.
ANDREW
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly paperweights.
LAUREN
You know nothing Andrew Walker.
ANDREW
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, JEFF appears, holding a pair of paperweights.

JEFF
Looking for something?
ANDREW
Crikey, Lauren, he's got your paperweights.
LAUREN
Tell me something I don't already know!
ANDREW
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
LAUREN
I know that already!
ANDREW
I still wear nappies.
JEFF
(appalled) Dude!
While JEFF is looking at ANDREW with disgust, LAUREN lunges forward and grabs her deadly paperweights. He wields them, triumphantly.

LAUREN
Prepare to die, you creepy potato!
JEFF
No please! All I did was frighten a bunch of baby birds!
MOLLY enters, unseen by any of the others.

LAUREN
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those baby birds were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Lauren Wu defender of innocent baby birds.
JEFF
Don't hurt me! Please!
LAUREN
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these paperweights on you right away!
JEFF
Because Lauren, I am your father.
LAUREN looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

LAUREN
No you're not!
JEFF
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
JEFF tries to grab the paperweights but LAUREN dodges out of the way.

LAUREN
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, JEFF slumps to the ground.

ANDREW
Did he just faint?
LAUREN
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly paperweights.
LAUREN crouches over JEFF's body.

ANDREW
Be careful, Lauren. It could be a trick.
LAUREN
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Jeff Walker is dead!
LAUREN
What?
LAUREN
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
ANDREW claps his hands.

ANDREW
So your paperweights did save the day, after all.
MOLLY steps forward.

MOLLY
Is it true? Did you kill the creepy sea monster?
LAUREN
Molly how long have you been...?
MOLLY puts her arm around LAUREN.

MOLLY
Long enough.
LAUREN
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Jeff Walker.
MOLLY
Then the baby birds are safe?
LAUREN
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable baby birds enter, looking relived.

MOLLY
You are their hero.
The baby birds bow to LAUREN.

LAUREN
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Jeff Walker will never frighten baby birds ever again, is enough for me.
MOLLY
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the baby birds passes LAUREN a wooden bell

MOLLY
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
LAUREN
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

LAUREN
Well, if you insist.
LAUREN takes the bell.

LAUREN
Thank you.
The baby birds bow their heads once more, and leave.

LAUREN turns to MOLLY.

LAUREN
Does this mean you want me back?
MOLLY
Oh, Lauren, of course I want you back!
LAUREN smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

LAUREN
Well you can't have me.
MOLLY
WHAT?
LAUREN
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a sea monster to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
MOLLY
But...
LAUREN
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Andrew.
ANDREW grins.

MOLLY
But...
ANDREW
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
MOLLY
Lauren?
LAUREN
I'm sorry Molly, but I think you should skidaddle.
MOLLY leaves.

ANDREW turns to LAUREN.

ANDREW
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
LAUREN
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly ANDREW stops.

ANDREW
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the sea monster don't you?
THE END